In the interest of public safety and not being arrested/Tased™/beaten with socks full of walnuts by the hoi polloi, I usually keep my wellspring of wrath sealed away beneath the much calmer waters of snarkiness and, ahem, “humor.” However, around this time every year, as we slide inexorably toward another series of days reserved for mad dogs and Englishmen, the temperature, humidity, and general ass-itude of the idiots of the world join forces to push me to the breaking point, and I must let my vitriol pour forth upon the heads of those nouns (both proper and common) so richly deserving of it.

To wit:

Beardy Dude who already has ten delicious “everything” bagels and, even though it’s clear that I intend to nab the last one after he goes on his greedy way, takes the last one “just in case”: UNACCEPTABLE!! You are hereby ordered to surrender your place in line and have all your bagels replaced with today’s “gourmet” flavor. Let’s see how everyone back at the office likes “Rose Petal and Gorgonzola,” Mr. Piggy!

Random acquaintance who likes to make cracks about my being transgendered but still looks down my shirt every chance he gets: UNACCEPTABLE!! You are hereby ordered to buy me a novelty t-shirt reading “I see you’ve already met the twins” and/or “My eyes are up here” with a wacky arrow pointing upward.

Sweaty shirtless guy with enough body hair for Locks of Love who, despite having seen me not ten seconds ago, asks me AGAIN if it’s “hot enough” for me: UNACCEPTABLE!! You are hereby sentenced to wear three sweatshirts and a plastic bag until you pass out just like Martin Lawrence!

Swimsuit manufacturers who are clearly in league with the Devil and, as a result, offer products designed to make me feel like either a stripper or a sausage trying to escape its casing: EXCEEDINGLY UNACCEPTABLE!! You are hereby sentenced to walk down the street past a crowd of recently-released sex offenders wearing only a piece of lettuce and two old Skoal lids, tied together with dental floss!

Judgmental old bat who feels it is her duty to point out what a sinner I am and berate me loudly through her clacking dentures even though she’s out shopping for shoes with her gay grandson I saw at the club macking on some burly welder or something last weekend: WILDLY UNACCEPTABLE!! You are hereby ordered to get a clue and remove the enormous, pink, Be-Dazzled™, dildo-shaped plank from your eye before plucking the transgendered splinter out of mine!

Also, you smell like death. It’s called soap -look into it!

Patrick Rothfuss, whose next book is not scheduled for release until 2009: UNDERSTANDABLE BUT ULTIMATELY…UNACCEPTABLE!! You are hereby ordered to STOP pretending you’re Robert Jordan and release your novels in a timely fashion so we’re not stuck with a cliffhanger when you die! Also, you are ordered to send me an autographed galley of the next book immediately so I can lord my superiority over all other fans posthaste!

Robin Meade who, despite being awakened in the middle of the night by a clearly insensitive husband, remains infuriatingly married and straight: UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE!! You are hereby ordered to read this pamphlet, entitled “Why Boys Are Icky: Les Be Friends!” You are furthermore ordered to change your daily greeting from “Morning, Sunshine!” to “Morning, Sunshine! And by “Sunshine,” I mean Claire. The rest of you bastards can suck it!”

Alarmingly anorexic counter girl at any restaurant ever who, upon hearing my order for at least five lunch orders to take back to the office, looks me over, smirks and says “Is this for here, or to go?”: UNSPEAKABLY UNACCEPTABLE! You are hereby sentenced to eat your own horrible fast food until you return to a healthy weight for a human being or your exhausted heart implodes from a combination of malnutrition and grease, you smug little tart!

That is all for now. Tread lightly, my friends, lest you arouse my mighty wrath and become…



8 Responses

  1. I’ve had the guy in front of me steal my bagel before too. It pisses my off royally. Pisses. My. Off.

    As for skinny cafe bitch, I’d probably say something like, “I see that you’re not accustomed to eating food and so it’s not your fault that you don’t understand how this eating stuff works, but when one solitary person orders five meals, you can safely assume she wants it to go.”

  2. Bagel-Snatchers are headed for the same circle of Hell as people who don’t pull through when they park, leaving you stranded.

    RE: Cafe girl…So does that mean that punching her in the neck WASN’T the right thing to do? Because I felt pretty good about it until I heard the snapping noise.

  3. Every time we leave the house, there is a point where I sweetly curl my hand round my handsome husband’s bicep and say quite loudly,

    “I am doing so well not yelling at anyone, aren’t I?”

    It helps to break the tension a bit for us both.

    Of course, now I might just run around pointing at people, that arm-fully-extended accusatory point, and shout “UNACCEPTABLE!!” before scampering away like a troll.

    Could be much more fun, at any rate.

  4. Have you been hanging out at Panera for the free Wi-fi again? Didn’t they kick you out twice already?
    Try a Cinnamon Crunch bagel the next time some asshat steals your Everything Bagel. Oh so yummy.
    And while your at it….pick up a Cinnamon Crunch bagel for the “In need of a Sandwich” girl. Those things have 420 calories even before you plaster the ting with cream cheese!
    It an unrelated topic- I got my haircut today. No highlights.
    Miss you friend!

  5. @Tara:

    Oh my God, are you stalking me? How else could you have discovered the patented “Unacceptable!!” finger-point??

    Although to be fair, I flit away like the down of a new-born gosling rather than scampering like a troll.

    Let’s spread this trend. Soon, all those who dare become UNACCEPTABLE!! will feel the wrath of the…of the…well, okay, of the people who happen to align along the same ideological lines as myself! Mwa-ha-ha!

    @Jess: It’s not my fault Panera has delicious I.C. Spice and free Wi-Fi! If they don’t want me stealing it, they shouldn’t make it so hackable!

    Oh, and I know all about the Cinnamon Crunch, my friend. Its crusty deliciousness is welcome on my breakfast plate any time, especially with honey and cream cheese! It is second only to the Cobblestone in my Panera pantheon.

    You got your hair cut? Cool! What happened to having lunch? Can we try to do it next week? What day?

    Miss you too!

  6. This should be a regular feature of yours….or maybe it is and I just haven’t read enough of the archives. Brilliant.

    Also…with regards to your pictures of attractive women on the internet, it appears as though you are a fan of boobs. Me too. Exhibit A:


  7. @Karen: Oh, I intend to make it a regular feature, I assure you. The list of things suitable for addition to this feature grows exponentially as I grow old and fossilize into the chalky comfort of old-lady-tude.

    Oh, and yeah, I’m a lifelong boobs enthusiast. I haven’t decided if this makes me honest and open about my attraction factors or merely shallow (but I’m hoping for somewhere in the middle, no pun intended).

  8. […] Posted on July 21, 2008 by La Barceloneta Having vented enough of the bile from my spleen in last week’s post to restore my usual cheery mood, I have decided to share with you, gentle readers, a brief list of […]

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