Neat-O Frito

Having vented enough of the bile from my spleen in last week’s post to restore my usual cheery mood, I have decided to share with you, gentle readers, a brief list of things that I find to be Neat-o Frito. What (I hear you asking) is Neat-o Frito? Well, friend, let me explain via the magic of shoddily constructed, impromptu song…

(CUE PIANO! Yes, Henry, the piano! NO, not that one! The Grand! Oh, for Pete’s sake, just sit down. Sit down! Ladies and gentlemen, never use a trained orangutan for accompaniment, no matter how impressive they are at the pet shop.)

When you’re way down in the dumps,
With all the other frowning chumps
And you think you wanna just lay down and die…
Don’t despair, mon frere, I’ll restore your savoir-faire
And have you smiling once again and that’s no lie…
So don’t light that cigarillo, or try to shotgun that mojito
When there’s so much in the world that’s Neat-O Frito!

For example, let’s pretend
You’re of a literary bend
And you’ve just got to build a world of orcs and elves;
Just pay a visit to this site, and you’ll soon set things to right
Because your book and and world will populate themselves!

Or perhaps the alphabet
Makes you a tiny bit upset
And heavy coding is your only source of fun;
Why not turn your awkward thoughts into a stream of ones and noughts?
And your eloquence will be second to none!

Neat-O Frito, it’s Neat-O Frito,
A childhood expression that’s so nice,
When just “cool” or “rad” won’t do, you’re the one that I turn to,
(Or the one to whom I turn, to be precise.)

And what if you’re the kind
Who despairs the daily grind,
Avoiding anywhere that labor seems to lurk?
If “Arbeit Macht Frei” causes you to scream and flee,
You need more play and much less work.

If you’re the patriotic sort
Who enjoys a little sport
(Even the fake kind suitable to flush)
Watch the Gladiators beat on the nerdy and effete
(But the only reason I watch is named Crush)

Finally, if you’re like me,
Then I’m sure that you’ll agree
Television is a want and not a need
But when I wake up before dawn, and I turn the TV on
There’s nothing optional ’bout the luscious Robin Meade!

Neat-O Frito, she’s Neat-O Frito,
Brunette goddess, sunshine-spreading morning host
All that other stuff is cool, but unless you are a fool,
You’ve figured out it’s the filler in this post.

Thank you, thank you, you’ve been a lovely audience. I’ll be here all week; be sure to tip your server, and please – try the veal.


4 Responses

  1. You are a crazy fucking genius, and I think I’m in love with you.

  2. I never could figure out where i could easily translate everything into binary code. Thanks for clearing that up.

  3. I wish my brain would ooze that kind of genius.

  4. @Sra: Thanks! Oh, and, sure, all the girls say that, until they realize the crazy and the genius have crowded out all the common sense and navigation skills.

    “Would you shut up about how that woman’s toenails looked like Fritos and just drive the car? We’ve been driving for twelve hours, and all I wanted to do was run to the mall!”

    @ Tara: I’m so happy I could help! There are ten types of people in the world, they say – those who get binary and those who don’t.

    @ Karen: Yeah, you’d think, but it’s hell to get out of fabrics. Leave one whimsical haiku about the social commentary running through The Snorks on your friend’s “good couch” and you’ll never hear the end of it, I assure you.

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