Things That Should Not Be: Collectibles Edition

I’m a fairly easy-going sort. When I see someone wearing, say, a trucker hat and a winkingly self-aware novelty tee shirt, I smile and say “Hey, hipsters need love, too.” When I’m parking my car and someone driving a Speck or Microbe or whatever the hell these wind-up cars are called steals my spot TWO SECONDS before I pull into it, I (try to) think “Well, they’re doing their part for the environment. I don’t mind walking seventeen blocks in four-inch heels.” Now that I’m an aunt, I find myself forced to endure things such as Ben 10 and Hannah Montana in order to remain in the good graces of The Little Emperor and Her Highness, also known as my nephew and niece.

In fact, I will even go so far as to tolerate the collections of knick-knacks, gewgaws and miscellaneous crap my friends and loved ones have in their homes (if only because I know I must have somewhere to flee in the event my book collection causes my home to collapse, killing the neighbors).

However, sometimes the percolating cesspool of popular culture belches forth an abomination so hideous, so wildly unacceptable, that I must speak out. “Why share these things, then?” I hear you asking. “Why not work to conceal them from the innocent eyes of those who may encounter them and be forever scarred?”

Because if I must suffer, so must you all, say I.

To wit:

1) Terrifyingly “adorable” Gangsta Babies. The dead-eyed stare of a doll is already fairly creepy; add piles of bling, typo-riddled marketing copy filtered through the paternalistic racism most commonly associated with Rudyard Kipling (“Carrot-toped homey” comes to mind) and the soullessly malevolent, emerald-green gaze of Pookie, and you’re looking at a lifetime of sleepless nights, my friend.

2) A thin candy shell over a pulsating heart of evil. OK, I promise not every entry will be about the disturbing fauxbies generated ad infinitum by the, uh, disturbing fauxby industry. However, these M&M babies ignited a special fire of searing hatred in my heart by committing the dual crime of being advertised in last month’s issue of Smithsonian AND making it impossible for me to eat delicious M&M’s without seeing their creepy little faces whispering “I melt for no one.”

3) Anything encrusted with Swarovski crystals. Swarovski walks a fine line – on the one hand, they have some lovely crystal pieces and jewelry that (almost) justify their price by adding beauty to your home, office, ears, navel, septum, et hoc genus omne. On the other, they’ve apparently decided to release all their leftover bits to the masses for use as spackle for EVERYTHING EVER. One young woman, encrusted head to toe in Swarovski, recently caused a ten-car pileup simply by stepping into the sunlight. OK, not really, but it’ll happen, mark my words.

And for those of you with too little taste and too much money who want something a little, ahem, “classier” than Swarovski, why not browse here?

4) Anything found in the Museum of Food Anomalies Give this site a gander, and you will never, ever look at your salad the same way. The banana with a face in it will haunt my dreams.

5) Peripheral junk-obelia that only hastens the demise of civilization. Hollywood has long ago abandoned any pretense of artistic integrity – try to remember the last popular film that didn’t feature a McToy tie-in or squawking electronic gadget released along with it – but sometimes, they run right past Ridiculous and scamper, giggling, into the arms of Utter Desolation of the Soul. These “dusty jams” may be a little out of date, but that just illustrates the longevity of our culture’s sad pageant of marketing-based suck-itude. My personal “favorite?” The C3PO tape dispenser. Nothing says “Amber Alert!” like a droid with a crotch-mounted tape wheel. YIKES.

**Note Bene**: I don’t agree with the site’s rating system, as I find both German Teachers and John Wayne to be indicative of quality and goodness, rather than horribleness and inanity.

OK, kids, I know you’ve got your own set of criteria for this category. Please, bring me your ALF alarm clocks, your Jesus action figures, your snack foods based on moderately successful second-generation children’s programs: there is room for all at the table of Things That Should Not Be!

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2 Responses

  1. I love the fruits and vegetables that resemble things. But those gansta babies scare the bejesus out of me.

  2. I love the food anomalies… yikes! and i’m sending it to everyone i know!

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