Tour de Farce™ Week 3: So Easy To Mock So Much!

Epic, isn't it?

Believe it or not, readers, we’re at the end of the third week of my sweaty, shaky-legged endeavor to cross the continental US (or at least the parts of it between Ohio and Utah). As I mentioned last week, Indiana is much bigger than A) I thought it was and B) it should be. So, I’ve upped my daily mileage to 8.0 miles, and my reward was reaching an actual city – or at least the outskirts of Indianapolis, which is like a city, only, you know, in Indiana.

MILES BIKED THIS WEEK: 40 (8.0 miles/day, Monday-Friday)


WHERE I WOULD BE IF THIS BIKE HAD WHEELS: The outskirts of Indianapolis, IN

The motto of Indianapolis is “So Easy to Do So Much!“, which sounds great in a very generic way. Just think, upon my virtual arrival at the edge of the city today, I could’ve pedaled on into town and:

1) Gone to see the Koalas. Yes, the scrunchy-faced, Mr-Magoo-like marsupials that made Qantas a household name are on exhibit at the Indy Zoo through September 1st. Just in case you were dropped on your head as a child and/or snacked on lead paint chips, the zoo’s site cheerfully offers to educate you about our fuzzy, non-ursine friends:

Click on these links to learn the fascinating history of koalas, the specifics of their eucalyptus diet, and what a marsupial really is (hint: not a bear!).  Learn about the status of koalas in the wild and the threats to their survival, plus how you can help keep them safe.

Best line ever: “…hint: not a bear!”

2) Dropped in on the Indiana State Fair. As you all know, I just looooove the fair. My favorite event? “A Year of Trees!” That’s right, kids, if you’re tired of eating fried things on sticks, swimmin’ at the ole fishin’ hole, or playing Soul Caliber IV, you can pop on over to the Indiana State Fair and learn much, much, MUCH more than you ever really wanted to know about our forest-dwelling friends! SPECIAL BONUS: As our way of saying “Thanks for visiting!”, every “Lil’ Sprout” gets a buttload of crappy tree puns – or dare we say it? – “tree-mendous” puns!”

Dear God, kill me now.

3) Had an overpriced sandwich at Patachou. OK, I’ll admit that on my last ACTUAL trip to Indy, I did, in fact, eat at Patachou, and it was indeed like “a student union for adults.” Yes, there was art, and intellectual stimulation, and French food recalibrated to please the American concept of portion and taste…but, as with all student unions, there was a fair amount of Hipster Douchbaggery as well. You will instantly forget the t-shirt-clad, American Spirit-smoking Lit majors discussing the importance of Patton Oswalt, however, when you taste your custom omlette. Yum. And don’t get me started on the broken yolk sandwiches, because they are tiny care packages sent directly from Heaven, and I will sit smack in the middle of a whole TABLE of Onion A/V Clubbers to get one.

Coming up next week: Scenic Cloverdale, Indiana, and its..whatever the hell they have there.

4 Responses

  1. Let’s see… your route will take you down through Illinois right? Hmm… That should be interesting. Wait until you get to Kansas City though, that’s a riot. After that…


  2. I loved the awful tree pun, and the fact that you put another awful tree pun when you hover on the link. You make me so barking mad that I end up soiling myself.

  3. Oh, and P.S., if you think Indiana is long and boring, wait till you get to Nebraska and Wyoming.

  4. @Sov: Hey, my people domesticated corn. I can put up with a little corn!

    (Please don’t remind me about this when I’m sick of corn in a month or two)

    @Sra: Thanks, sister. Please feel free to send me your dry cleaning bill.

    Well, I mean, you can SEND it, I just won’t, you know, PAY it.

    Oh, and I’m planning to take The Wayback Machine for my time in Nebraska and Wyoming. I figure it’ll be much more exciting to be dodging arrows and buffalo than Pace Arrows and vacationing Midwesterners.

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