Unacceptable!!! (September ’08 Remix)

I believe it was Elbert Hubbard who defined “righteous indignation” as “your own wrath as opposed to the shocking bad temper of others.” This is because Elbert Hubbard was a bit of a jerk. OK, not really. Sure, he may have indirectly created Scientology by inspiring his nephew L. Ron with his wit and wisdom, but you can’t hold a man who said something as brilliant as “Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped” accountable for Tom Cruise and his silent-birthing, couch-crushing, Holmes-brainwashing shenanigans.

There are, however, others who must meet the business end of my wrath, and woe be unto them this day!

To wit:

Gas Station Guy Just Ahead Of Me Who Refuses To Pull Up Enough To Allow Me To Get Gas, Even Though His GIGANTIC HUMMER Could Easily Do So: UNACCEPTABLE!!! You are hereby sentenced to drive this for all eternity:

If it's good enough for my three-year-old niece, it's good enough for you, buddy.

If it's good enough for my 3-year-old niece, it's good enough for you, Chester.

Kroger Cashier Who Treats “Civilians” As Though We Are Incapable Of Grasping The Labyrinthine Complexities Of PLU Codes: UNACCEPTABLE!!! I know you’ve had extensive training, lady. I went through it myself, back when I was an indentured servant wasting my precious youth at the Evil M-Pire. However, you don’t exactly need to bust out the Rosetta Stone to determine that the PLU for black plums is, in fact, 4040; even if I didn’t already have it memorized, IT’S ON THE STICKER.

ON THE FRUIT.

RIGHT HERE, IN MY HAND!

But I digress. You are hereby sentenced to memorize all UPCs and PLUs for all products in the store and only consult the Thracian version of the PLU cheat-sheet (translation key removed).

Coworker Who Has Known for Three Months that They’ll Need a Loaner Laptop, But Tells Me about It the DAY BEFORE They Leave: RIDICULOUSLY UNACCEPTABLE!!! You are hereby ordered to surrender all computer equipment and make do with this abacus, quill pen, and stack of vellum! You may have up to three pigeons if you need to send an e-mail.

Frito Lay and Their Latest Creation, Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos: DELICIOUSLY UNACCEPTABLE!!! OK, so actually these chips are flavor-tastic and utterly acceptable. What I find completely unacceptable, however, is their tendency to vanish within hours after I open the bag. I innocently tear into a package of these mysterious and magical chips, and within a short time, all the chips have disappeared into thin air! I hereby command Frito Lay to investigate these unstable (albeit delicious) chips and invest in technology that will prevent them from evaporating (the only logical explanation for the disappearance of an entire bag of chips in such a short time, I assure you).

American Express Corporation, Along with the Marketing Agency Responsible for AE’s Latest Series of Ridiculously Condescending Small Business Card Adverts: NOT ONLY SMUG BUT UNACCEPTABLE!!! Seriously, I understand that cards featuring kitties and/or The Flash might be perceived by certain parties as unprofessional, but I wonder how many potential card holders are alienated by these ads as compared to those who cast aside their customized card featuring The Wonder Twins in favor of a shiny piece of gold snobbery. American Express dudes, you are here by sentenced to pay for your next lunch meeting with a card featuring Hello Kitty or this guy, (depending on which you personally find more abhorrent):

The worst part? That's not a hat.

The worst part? That's not a hat.

My Married Crush, Who Enjoys Flirting and Absorbing My Abject Worship But Will Never, Ever, Ever, Ever Follow Through Due to Being Straightjacketed by Societal Expectation: UNACCEP – Meh, I guess it’s kinda acceptable. Really, it’s been years now, and although our flirtatious exchanges and her fondness for dressing in a manner reminiscent of Doralee from 9 to 5 are great fun, she’s living in hubby-and-kids land, I’m over here in smartass lesbian land, and Chuck Woolery isn’t stepping up to help out. I hereby sentence MYSELF to get the hell over it.

And barring that, I guess I just need to remember not to buy any cats.

Audience Members in the ScalpMed Infommercial, what with the Fake-Ass Clapping & Repetitive Nodding Seeming to Indicate a Suspicious Familiarity with ScalpMed & Its Dark Magic: CREEPILY UNACCEPTABLE!!! (Except for the hostess, who is MILFy and therefore borderline acceptable) We all need something to watch when the musical guest on SNL isn’t to our liking…and in my case, the percolating phials of follicular fiendishness known as ScalpMed was what caught my eye this evening as I waited for the Kings of Leon to finish whingeing their way through whatever it was they were doing (nice Tina Fey glasses, by the way, Nathan). You are hereby sentenced to rub ScalpMed all over your face until you either turn into a werewolf or a member of Kings of Leon.

Idiots of the world, beware! At any time, your behavior could push you from mere annoyance to a place you’ll never want to visit…a place where you have become…UNACCEPTABLE!!!

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6 Responses

  1. Dear Claire,

    You can do better than some married publicly-straight-but-secretly-bi-curious woman. Let that demon go!

    Sra

  2. Dear Sra,

    Thanks, pal. I’m slowly coming to realize that you may be right…and it’s a realization that’s been a long time coming.

    Claire

  3. You rock. That is all.

  4. I just finished up watching SNL from last night and I don’t know about you but that whole show was unacceptable.

  5. I was gonna say all of the sentiments that Sra, Wendy and Mollie all touched on. Yes…including SNL being very UNACCEPTABLE.

  6. I totally want one of those frog hats now.

    How is it that that quote goes? “Take a look at how stupid the average person is, then realize that half are dumber than that.”

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