Buzz Watch: Apple’s new iThingy

A gracious good day to you, readers.

If you’re like me, you’ll have noted with a queasiness-inducing blend of anticipation and trepidation the shift in media attention away from the plight of Haiti and toward the latest beeping gadget. That’s right, Apple has unleashed its latest Hipster Douchebag accessory: The iPad.

Or possibly the iTablet.

Or even, God help us all, the iCan.

Whatever it’s called, its potential capabilities have been the subject of endless speculation (or in my case, limited, off-the-cuff speculation for the purposes of comedic exploitation). To wit:

Features of the new iPad/iTablet/iCan/iCan’tBelieveISpent1,000DollarsOnThis

1) Recharges if you hold it aloft & shout “BY THE POWER OF CUPERTINO!” Also: your cat morphs into a badass tiger.

2) Will only open if you recite “Klaatu barada nikto” first. Otherwise, you might want to call Bruce Campbell.

3) Will come in 3 exciting colors: Chill Cherry, Awesome Orange and Bewildered Buyer’s Remorse Blueberry.

4) Will be engraved with the missing Five Commandments (e.g. “Thou Shalt Not Totally Destroy Thy Planet”).

5) Creates holographic friends to replace those you lose because you spend all your time on your damned iTablet.

6) Glows an ethereal blue whenever orcs are nearby.

7) Will not transform into a creepy robot and steal your identity and girlfriend while you sleep. Probably.

8 ) Makes that cool Star Trek “whistle-whoosh” noise whenever any nearby door opens.

9) Will obey Asimov’s three laws, unless you piss it off, buster.

10) Sifts through your address book and deletes all the people with whom you are now too cool to be seen.

11) Will love you and hug you and name you George.

12) Grants you a permanent +5 to your Hipster Cred stat, plus a free small latte at paticipating Starbucks™.

13) Opens a portal to an alternate universe where the State of the Union Address ISN’T depressing as hell.

14) Will be sun-powered. Not solar powered – there will be an actual tiny sun inside. So, y’know, get a mitt.

15) Will sing you softly to sleep & will happily open the podbay doors – as long as you don’t betray it, Dave.

16) Boasts an all-celebrity cast for its reader. First up: Keanu reads “Moby Dick” “Duude…call me, like, Ishmael.”

17) Grants you access to the tiny door that leads to the inside of Steve Jobs’ head.

18) Gives you a fuller, shinier coat, and protects you from heartworm.

19) Has an Oppenheimer app that will allow you to become Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds. Plus, Sudoku!

20) Will grant you immortality and transform your enemies into fresh-baked blueberry muffins.

[Originally posted by yours truly as part of a Twitter trend tag, #iTabletMyths]

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Your e-mail is also important to us…

…As a valued customer, your satisfaction is our number one goal!*

*Actual quote from US Bank rep e-mail.

OK, so I received a reply to my written (read as: evidentiary) missive to the bank mentioned only by a top secret and thoroughly disguised code name in a previous post.

The young (let’s go ahead and say young) lady who assisted me today informed me that she, too, understood my frustration, and would be rushing me a new card posthaste:

“I do apologize for any inconvenience that this has caused you. We have changed the embossing on the check card to reflect your new name and the card should arrive within 3 business days plus mail time. Please let us know if you have any other questions or concerns.”

– Janiece, actual US Bank Email Operations Specialist-

Janiece and her prompt reply to my e-mail have, for the most part, quieted the fires of wrath that constantly threaten to bubble up and smite those who displease Claire, Goddess of the Extremely Perterbed. Since Janiece mentioned embossing and seemed savvy regarding the construction of an actual checkcard, I’m going to run with the assumption that in three days (plus mailing time), my shiny new Check Card, complete with new code and, more importantly, name, will arrive, restoring sight to the blind, peace to the Middle East, and eliminating forever (let us hope) the now-tedious ritual I like to call “No, I’m not married, and no, I am not an identity bandit craftily using someone else’s card to buy this bottle of wine and loaf of bread, but if you’d like I can explain my transgenderism with the help of this short film while the people behind me in line watch their milk turn into Brie.”

Special thanks to Janiece and Heather, two wonderful and helpful human cogs just trying to turn their part of the gigantic Customer Disservice machine…long may their satisfaction ratings stay high!